15 Tips on Blogging from John Newton
May 03, 2012 04:00 am | by Tony Reinke
Original
John Newton, the slave-trade ship captain turned pastor and hymn-writer, wasn't exactly a blogger. Many of his writings, however, fit in the category of we today would call blogging. He wrote mostly letters — small, topically oriented and experience-based pieces — and he became increasingly aware those letters would be published for a wider audience. When you pick up a copy of his published letters and begin reading, they remind today’s reader of the blog style many Christians find edifying.
Here are 15 lessons from John Newton on letter-writing that will serve blog writers (all quotes taken from _The Works of John Newton_, 6-volumes).
_
1. Bloggers should write to learn, to meditate, and to remember: "I think you would likewise find advantage in using your pen more: write short notes upon the Scriptures you read, or transcribe the labors of others; make extracts from your favorite authors, especially those who, besides a fund of spiritual and evangelical matter, have a happy talent of expressing their thoughts in a clear and lively manner: you would find a continued exercise in this way would be greatly useful to form your own style, and help your delivery and memory" (2:76–77).
_
2. Bloggers should write to edify, therefore it is preferable to write
simple truth than to spread eloquent trifles: "Language and style, however, are but the dress. Trifles, however adorned, are trifles still. A person of spiritual discernment would rather be the author of one page written in the humble garb of Bunyan, upon a serious subject, than to be able to rival the sprightliness and elegance of Lady M. W. Montague, unless it could be with a view to edification" (2:16–17).
_3. Bloggers should expect the well to run dry at times, and understand some of the personal factors that explain this barrenness: "My silence has been sometimes owing to want of leisure; and sometimes when I could have found leisure, my harp has been out of tune, and I had no heart to write. Perhaps you are ready to infer, by my sitting down to write at last, that my harp is now well tuned, and I have something extraordinary to offer: beware of thinking so, lest you should be sadly disappointed" (2:206).
[i can relate to that one!]
_4. Women should be encouraged to blog for the benefit of the entire church, since they naturally write in a style more enjoyable, and less stilted, than men are normally capable of: "I have often wished we had more female pens employed in the service of the sanctuary. . . . In the article of essay writing, I think many are qualified to succeed better than most men, having a peculiar easiness of style, which few of us can imitate" (2:16).
_5. Magnify Christ in what you write: "I trust my pen is chiefly devoted to the praise of Jesus your beloved, and so far as I succeed, I am sure what I write will be acceptable to you" (6:349).
_6. Blog to offer both converting and comforting grace to your reader: "Oh, that my heart may take fire as I write! Surely I am in my better judgment persuaded, that life is not worth a desire, but as affording opportunity to spread the savor of his name, to set him forth in my ministry, for the comfort of his people and the salvation of poor sinners" (6:153–154).
_7. Make it your constant aim to blog with the intent of prospering your
reader in God: "The hour is approaching, and, at my time of life, cannot be very distant, when my heart, my pen, and my tongue, will no longer be able to move in their service. But I trust, while my heart continues to beat, it will feel a warm desire for the prosperity of souls; and while my hand can write, and my tongue speak, it will be the business and the pleasure of my life, to aim at promoting their growth and establishment in the grace of our God and Savior" (3:304–305).
_8. Be extra careful when handling controversy on your blog, and if you do engage it, know that it carries with it extra responsibilities, first in the tone of how you write, secondly in requiring you to sincerely pray for your opponent(s) before you engage them, and thirdly in requiring that you address your opponent as one who has an eternal soul, and who will either be lost forever, or as one that will be your brother or sister in heaven for all eternity_. "I shall, however, keep you particularly in my eye while I write, that a just sense of the candor and affection with which you have always treated me, may regulate my pen, and preserve me (if possible) from that harsh and angry spirit, into which writers upon controversial points are too often betrayed" (5:3). “As to your opponent, I wish, that, before you set pen to paper against him, and during the whole time you are preparing your answer, you may commend him by earnest prayer to the Lord’s teaching and blessing” (1:268–269).
[what if everyone on the net did this??]
_9. Bloggers should aim to write from personal experience: "To be affecting and useful, they [essays] must be dictated rather by the heart than by the head; and are most likely to influence others, when they are the fruits and transcripts of our own experience" (2:17).
_10. Bloggers should also write from their observations of others: "The
knowledge I have of what passes there, I have gained more from observation than from actual experience" (1:226).
_11. Learn to blog your observations more freely, especially if you are bent towards a stilted formalism: "I wish you not only to write a good hand, but a good letter; and the whole art is to write with freedom and ease. When you take your pen in hand, pop things down just as they come to your mind; just as you would speak of them without study" (6:304).
_12. Blog humbly and in faith, knowing the Lord will lead you to offer a “word in season” for your readers in their time of need: "I love to give up my heart and pen, without study, when I am writing. The Lord knows the state of my friends, their present temptations, etc and I look to him to give me a word in season" (6:42).
_13. Pray that God would fill your soul with divine joy as you write, that this joy would be communicated on the screen, resulting in a shared joy with your reader: "Oh! that the power of God would set my heart and pen at liberty while writing, and fill your hearts while reading, that we may rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory" (6:18).
_14. Do not allow blog writing to cause your neglect of family priorities: "I have been interrupted since I began my letter, and I must leave it again soon to go to my children, for it is almost eleven" (6:267).
_15. Redeem your barren blogging experiences, use them to see your needs and weaknesses, and lean upon God for his sustaining and supplying grace: "Though my pen and my tongue sometimes move freely, yet the total incapacity and stagnation of thought I labor under at other times, convinces me, that in myself I have not sufficiency to think a good thought; and I believe the case would be the same, if that little measure of knowledge and abilities, which I am too prone to look upon as my own, were a thousand times greater than it is. For every new service, I stand in need of a new supply, and can bring forth nothing of my supposed store into actual exercise, but by his immediate assistance" (1:506).
There are many other lessons for bloggers from the writings of the eminent letter-writer, John Newton. These 15 lessons have been gleaned from my own time in his writings, and perhaps that’s the best way to learn from Newton.
Take up Newton’s letters for yourself (like this volume), read of his pastoral heart for others, and catch the loving tones with which he addresses his reader.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
so how does a blog on the rise and fall of
the roman empire get me to thinking on marriage and relationships?
not really sure about the conduit but there it is. . . maybe since my daughter is about to be married it has been on my mind a lot. plus my son's heartache. :(
not really sure about the conduit but there it is. . . maybe since my daughter is about to be married it has been on my mind a lot. plus my son's heartache. :(
been thinking about
raising kids too.
sometimes i think i have been most ineffective and maybe they all just have to find their own way. but then i turn around and think of what my mom did for me and what life would have been without her in it. she was not perfect, but her heart was. and she cared and she listened and i knew she loved me.
she did not always listen when i wanted her to. she was sometimes away when i would have wished her to be there. in other words, she was not perfect and just what i wanted her to be. none of us are is the thing ~ but she was more than enough. not only that, she has continued to be one of the best friends I have ever had in this life. she has always been there for me, always stood by me through thick and thin.
i remember when i was a teen and one of my friend's sisters wanted to do something and i said, "i will have to ask my mom."
she retorted, "do you have to talk to her about everything?" i thought that was so odd! i looked at her and said, "yes."
i could not for the life of me figure out why i would not wish to consult and share with the one who loved me best (next to Jesus) and who wanted the best for me. why would you not want to ask advice, share trials and joys? who knows you better for most of your life than your mom? who wants good for you and not bad more than your parents?
of course her mom wasn't like mine.
come to think of it most of my friend's moms weren't like mine. i am blessed!
so i hope my kids know i love them and i am here for them. i am not perfect or just what they want me to be ~ i can never be that. i am just me doing the best i can where i am and that brings me to marriage:
i guess you just have to start with someone you like and then you make it work. you enjoy the good times and you work your butt off when it’s not good. when it gets really hard and i want to quit, the truth of why i stay and don't throw my ring in the bottom of the pool is simply this.
i like him.
he is not perfect, but his heart is. most times.
he has a**hole in him just like i have b**ch in me and it comes out in force sometimes - but he has so much else too. i get to choose what i focus on and when its good, man, nothing can beat it! and ya know, most of it has been so so good. there are no easy answers or formulas.
what is a good reason to get married?
i have to tell you i don't know.
i don't really know why i got married.
i never wanted to get married.
i still ponder that one.
but i know i am better here than where i would be now if i had not joined my life with his. it has been a crazy ride, but i always liked roller coasters, so it’s all good. when he sends me a text that says "you are so beautiful to me. I love you." and that is what i start my day with - i know my life is good. i am so blessed in so many ways. it is worth the work and the hard times. it is worth the nights crying and trying to figure out how to fix what is broken. cuz when its good, it’s great. many settle for middle of the road not awful but not great in life. i can't do that. i'm not saying it’s good or bad, right or wrong. i'm just saying i can't live like that. it is like eating lukewarm ramen noodle to me. i prefer steak and if i have to work my butt off to get that steak, then i am willing to do that. i am not willing to live a pseudo-existence lying to myself that this is life, that this is what i was put on earth to endure, telling myself that this is a life worth living.
not for me it’s not.
i have no idea how this relates to the rise and fall of the roman empire, but they are connected somehow. lol thanks for reading :)
sometimes i think i have been most ineffective and maybe they all just have to find their own way. but then i turn around and think of what my mom did for me and what life would have been without her in it. she was not perfect, but her heart was. and she cared and she listened and i knew she loved me.
she did not always listen when i wanted her to. she was sometimes away when i would have wished her to be there. in other words, she was not perfect and just what i wanted her to be. none of us are is the thing ~ but she was more than enough. not only that, she has continued to be one of the best friends I have ever had in this life. she has always been there for me, always stood by me through thick and thin.
i remember when i was a teen and one of my friend's sisters wanted to do something and i said, "i will have to ask my mom."
she retorted, "do you have to talk to her about everything?" i thought that was so odd! i looked at her and said, "yes."
i could not for the life of me figure out why i would not wish to consult and share with the one who loved me best (next to Jesus) and who wanted the best for me. why would you not want to ask advice, share trials and joys? who knows you better for most of your life than your mom? who wants good for you and not bad more than your parents?
of course her mom wasn't like mine.
come to think of it most of my friend's moms weren't like mine. i am blessed!
so i hope my kids know i love them and i am here for them. i am not perfect or just what they want me to be ~ i can never be that. i am just me doing the best i can where i am and that brings me to marriage:
i guess you just have to start with someone you like and then you make it work. you enjoy the good times and you work your butt off when it’s not good. when it gets really hard and i want to quit, the truth of why i stay and don't throw my ring in the bottom of the pool is simply this.
i like him.
he is not perfect, but his heart is. most times.
he has a**hole in him just like i have b**ch in me and it comes out in force sometimes - but he has so much else too. i get to choose what i focus on and when its good, man, nothing can beat it! and ya know, most of it has been so so good. there are no easy answers or formulas.
what is a good reason to get married?
i have to tell you i don't know.
i don't really know why i got married.
i never wanted to get married.
i still ponder that one.
but i know i am better here than where i would be now if i had not joined my life with his. it has been a crazy ride, but i always liked roller coasters, so it’s all good. when he sends me a text that says "you are so beautiful to me. I love you." and that is what i start my day with - i know my life is good. i am so blessed in so many ways. it is worth the work and the hard times. it is worth the nights crying and trying to figure out how to fix what is broken. cuz when its good, it’s great. many settle for middle of the road not awful but not great in life. i can't do that. i'm not saying it’s good or bad, right or wrong. i'm just saying i can't live like that. it is like eating lukewarm ramen noodle to me. i prefer steak and if i have to work my butt off to get that steak, then i am willing to do that. i am not willing to live a pseudo-existence lying to myself that this is life, that this is what i was put on earth to endure, telling myself that this is a life worth living.
not for me it’s not.
i have no idea how this relates to the rise and fall of the roman empire, but they are connected somehow. lol thanks for reading :)
Saturday, March 3, 2012
well, a slightly better window to compose in but it still ain't xanga! i do miss my old blog days! if i could get in a ring or something knowing i am read regular i think i would blog more. i spend most of my time on fb, but no way does that replace blogging. i am just not me on there. i worry about offending someone. i am more me on my blog. i think everyone is. fb is pretty superficial. i do have many awesome friends there and i am uplifted, but it just isn't a blog.
If you are new here, do leave me a comment and let me know you stopped by. also - do leave your blog addy, i would LOVE to visit!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
still
still an awful window. wow. just reread this stuff.
WE are doing much better. and i am going to use that letter in one of my books. Likely DOWN.
yes, i am writing books. 6 to be exact. at the same time. apparently that is how it works. surprised me and annoyed the melancholy in me. surely you should finish one before starting another? but that is not how it is happening.
I joined NaNoWriMo and i am glad i did. it has put the boot to the butt and i actually feel decent about something i am doing, like i can see a future. that is cool.
This November I am very glad that the last 7 years are over. I hope it is done for good and life will be manageable from here on out for the most part. I know life had bumps and hard times, but 7 years is about two too many for me!
WE are doing much better. and i am going to use that letter in one of my books. Likely DOWN.
yes, i am writing books. 6 to be exact. at the same time. apparently that is how it works. surprised me and annoyed the melancholy in me. surely you should finish one before starting another? but that is not how it is happening.
I joined NaNoWriMo and i am glad i did. it has put the boot to the butt and i actually feel decent about something i am doing, like i can see a future. that is cool.
This November I am very glad that the last 7 years are over. I hope it is done for good and life will be manageable from here on out for the most part. I know life had bumps and hard times, but 7 years is about two too many for me!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
thoughts
this is a terrible window to compose in
yuck!
been thinking - how those with nothing are the first to help. when you call they do not even hesitate. "i will be right there". and those with so much - they find excuses. have something to do. are they just sure you will find someone else?
and i do not want to sound self righteous AT ALL - but if that is how it is, then i don't want a lot. cuz i don't want to be like that. i just don't.
and maybe then when you don't have a lot you figure if the person called you they must really be desperate. lol
which isn't really true - they called you cuz they know you will come, help, and not be ugly about it
but shouldn't anyone who is called do that? really?
i don't know - just some things i am thinking on. . .
yuck!
been thinking - how those with nothing are the first to help. when you call they do not even hesitate. "i will be right there". and those with so much - they find excuses. have something to do. are they just sure you will find someone else?
and i do not want to sound self righteous AT ALL - but if that is how it is, then i don't want a lot. cuz i don't want to be like that. i just don't.
and maybe then when you don't have a lot you figure if the person called you they must really be desperate. lol
which isn't really true - they called you cuz they know you will come, help, and not be ugly about it
but shouldn't anyone who is called do that? really?
i don't know - just some things i am thinking on. . .
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
lost
Ok. so someone told me i need to do this
and they are right
i do . . .
i am sorry
i am sorry that i am not more for you
i am sorry i was not able to be all you needed when my parents were in the hospital
it was not on purpose
i hope you know that
not that that changes your need
or neglect
but it was never on purpose. . .
i really am sorry
i was not sorry when i was told i needed to do this
i was angry
i was angry cuz i thought you ought to be able to understand
i was angry cuz i did my best
i really did
i KNOW it was not enough
i know it wasn’t!
i really do
i know i wasn’t enough for everyone
i know i did not do enough for everyone
the big huge not going away problem is this –
i gave all i had
i did not skimp
i never have
i did not neglect this one over that one
i made the decision i thought was best for everyone
i really believe if i had to do it over
i would not change a thing
i have thought it over and analyzed it and criticized it and turned it upside down over out and inside backwards
i just do not see what i could have done differently
maybe communicated with you better
but then – you were so sick too
so tho i expected you to do more and be more
truth is – i am not sure you could have either
now. i guess i have to come to the place where i am ok with that
i think i have been thinking that you did not do more because you did not understand
or you did not want to
but maybe you did all you could too
maybe you could not do more cuz you were often sick just at the time i needed you ~
i don’t really know what i have been mad about most
there are so many things
i know that sounds awful
but i mean i think a lot is mucked up all together inside my head
i am mad cuz you were not who i needed you to be
i am mad cuz i feel like you expect more of me than there is
but I shouldn’t be. . .
no – i really shouldn’t be
i had more to give you for so long
i think there might be the same amount of me
but it is all cut up here and there
and the demands are more than there is me
the ongoing challenge is that i don’t see them getting any less anytime soon
in fact, unfortunately, it looks they are going to be more
so i have no idea what to do with all that
i don’t have any answers
but i wanted you to know i really am sorry
i would love to be more for you
and spoil you
and let you feed emotionally off of me
however ~
you would starve.
there is barely enough to keep me going much less nurture anyone else
the kids feel it too
i just don’t have tons to give
there are too many necessary outlets
and not enough stuff
i am sorry that you end up with a short stick
tho really i think everyone is
but in comparison to what you had
i think what you get now must feel like a tsp
as before you were getting barrels full
a tsp is all i have
some days i don’t even have that
and i am sorry
i guess i thought being sorry meant i had to fix it
or feel bad
or something
i don’t know
i really am sorry
but it doesn’t change anything
i can’t change it
i don’t see how it can change
i don’t know what the future holds
i am just hanging on
trying to do what needs done
trying to keep going
i do not have any answers
i do not see a way out of this
i do believe God has a plan
i am tired of waiting
and i am sorry. . . .
this is what i would like to be for you ~
Your dark hair draped across my pillow
Says I finally got it right
And as I watch you dreaming, twisted in the sheets
I can't stop thinking about last night
Well I've waited so long, so long, so long
For someone like you
And as this morning breaks through the window pane
It reveals the truth
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
Your fingertips, a kiss to this tired face
It's like I'm young again
Well I feel beautiful
But most of all vulnerable since you broke in
So won't you take me, take me, take me
Anywhere and everywhere you go
All the warmth you bring to this cold heart
With the slightest touch is enough to know
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
i want to be your sunshine . . . i really do!
but i feel more like a blown out candle
worn,
waxy,
tired. . .
it is not that i don’t want to give
it is that i don’t have it to give
conversely i want/need you to give more to me
and i know that is so wrong
and so selfish
and i could lie and say it is not true
or try to dress it up
but i am not going to
and i am not going to say it is ok either
i am just going to say it is
cuz it is
if you can’t, then i will have to deal with that
but i can’t change my need
part of the anger i think is that i feel like i really gave a lot
the major part of the two of us
in this marriage
and i feel like when it got to where i could not do that anymore
you just walked away
you just turned and went somewhere else
to get what you needed
and that hurt
at first i was sure i wanted you to do more
cuz i was just angry – just mad! cuz i had done so much
and darn it ~ now it is your turn!!
but tonight i realized that is not true
it sounds perfect
it just isn’t true
i really seriously need you to do more and be more
cuz i am less and worn and burnt out and hurting
i am limping with torn limbs
and i am bleeding
and the cuts continue
this may seem dramatic to you
but i am trying to be bare and honest
i feel like i have been so betrayed by so many in the past year
or so – year and a half
people i trusted – people i thought i could count on
people i needed!
some fell, some stabbed me, some were busy with their own struggles and did not mean to hurt
maybe none of them meant to hurt me
i don’t know
it happened anyway
really, i don’t care
i know – how awful
but you know – i don’t have the energy or time to spare trying to figure out their life and their why’s
i am more than busy with my own
i cannot afford to care
caring costs
and i don’t have it to give
caring hurts
and i cannot survive much more hurt
this is what my heart feels like
i need someone to help me
and i don’t know who else to go to
i have gone to God
but i need some Jesus with skin on
you helped me before when my heart looked like this
in a different way
but still hurting
and damaged
and you bandaged it
and you loved me
and you gave me room to heal
i need that again
i don’t know how you did it
just by being you i guess – by caring for me
by giving of yourself to me
by being real with me – not holding back
not trying to be something or someone
but just being you
with me
not someone you wanted to be
not someone you thought you should be
but just you
now it seems like you are always trying to find the right answer or something
trying not to piss me off
i am pissed off
a lot
about a lot of things
so?
why does that mean you can’t be you?
i KNOW you are sick a lot
and i think i am grasping that better
i know you cannot do much when you are sick
i do – i understand that
but you are not always sick
i have no idea what is going on with you
i feel cuz you won’t share
but maybe you don’t know either
i can’t fix that
i can’t help this time
you are going to have to find your own way
i am lost over here in this patch of woods
and i am going to stay here unless you come and get me
cuz i already tried and i can’t find my way out
so you are there
and i am here
it doesn’t feel like we are in different stadiums anymore
just feels like we are in different woods
maybe on opposite sides of the road
and not on purpose
both lost in our hurt
and confusion
and not knowing
but i would rather be lost together
we would still be lost
~ but we wouldn’t be alone
i’d rather not be alone
i don’t expect you to fix it
if you could and you have not
then that would really make me mad
i just want you to care
wouldn’t being lost together be better than being lost apart?
i think i’ve run out of things to say
i need to go lie down
no electricity last night meant no blow dryer – - not good
i have no idea if this has helped
will help
i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore
and they are right
i do . . .
i am sorry
i am sorry that i am not more for you
i am sorry i was not able to be all you needed when my parents were in the hospital
it was not on purpose
i hope you know that
not that that changes your need
or neglect
but it was never on purpose. . .
i really am sorry
i was not sorry when i was told i needed to do this
i was angry
i was angry cuz i thought you ought to be able to understand
i was angry cuz i did my best
i really did
i KNOW it was not enough
i know it wasn’t!
i really do
i know i wasn’t enough for everyone
i know i did not do enough for everyone
the big huge not going away problem is this –
i gave all i had
i did not skimp
i never have
i did not neglect this one over that one
i made the decision i thought was best for everyone
i really believe if i had to do it over
i would not change a thing
i have thought it over and analyzed it and criticized it and turned it upside down over out and inside backwards
i just do not see what i could have done differently
maybe communicated with you better
but then – you were so sick too
so tho i expected you to do more and be more
truth is – i am not sure you could have either
now. i guess i have to come to the place where i am ok with that
i think i have been thinking that you did not do more because you did not understand
or you did not want to
but maybe you did all you could too
maybe you could not do more cuz you were often sick just at the time i needed you ~
i don’t really know what i have been mad about most
there are so many things
i know that sounds awful
but i mean i think a lot is mucked up all together inside my head
i am mad cuz you were not who i needed you to be
i am mad cuz i feel like you expect more of me than there is
but I shouldn’t be. . .
no – i really shouldn’t be
i had more to give you for so long
i think there might be the same amount of me
but it is all cut up here and there
and the demands are more than there is me
the ongoing challenge is that i don’t see them getting any less anytime soon
in fact, unfortunately, it looks they are going to be more
so i have no idea what to do with all that
i don’t have any answers
but i wanted you to know i really am sorry
i would love to be more for you
and spoil you
and let you feed emotionally off of me
however ~
you would starve.
there is barely enough to keep me going much less nurture anyone else
the kids feel it too
i just don’t have tons to give
there are too many necessary outlets
and not enough stuff
i am sorry that you end up with a short stick
tho really i think everyone is
but in comparison to what you had
i think what you get now must feel like a tsp
as before you were getting barrels full
a tsp is all i have
some days i don’t even have that
and i am sorry
i guess i thought being sorry meant i had to fix it
or feel bad
or something
i don’t know
i really am sorry
but it doesn’t change anything
i can’t change it
i don’t see how it can change
i don’t know what the future holds
i am just hanging on
trying to do what needs done
trying to keep going
i do not have any answers
i do not see a way out of this
i do believe God has a plan
i am tired of waiting
and i am sorry. . . .
this is what i would like to be for you ~
Your dark hair draped across my pillow
Says I finally got it right
And as I watch you dreaming, twisted in the sheets
I can't stop thinking about last night
Well I've waited so long, so long, so long
For someone like you
And as this morning breaks through the window pane
It reveals the truth
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
Your fingertips, a kiss to this tired face
It's like I'm young again
Well I feel beautiful
But most of all vulnerable since you broke in
So won't you take me, take me, take me
Anywhere and everywhere you go
All the warmth you bring to this cold heart
With the slightest touch is enough to know
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
i want to be your sunshine . . . i really do!
but i feel more like a blown out candle
worn,
waxy,
tired. . .
it is not that i don’t want to give
it is that i don’t have it to give
conversely i want/need you to give more to me
and i know that is so wrong
and so selfish
and i could lie and say it is not true
or try to dress it up
but i am not going to
and i am not going to say it is ok either
i am just going to say it is
cuz it is
if you can’t, then i will have to deal with that
but i can’t change my need
part of the anger i think is that i feel like i really gave a lot
the major part of the two of us
in this marriage
and i feel like when it got to where i could not do that anymore
you just walked away
you just turned and went somewhere else
to get what you needed
and that hurt
at first i was sure i wanted you to do more
cuz i was just angry – just mad! cuz i had done so much
and darn it ~ now it is your turn!!
but tonight i realized that is not true
it sounds perfect
it just isn’t true
i really seriously need you to do more and be more
cuz i am less and worn and burnt out and hurting
i am limping with torn limbs
and i am bleeding
and the cuts continue
this may seem dramatic to you
but i am trying to be bare and honest
i feel like i have been so betrayed by so many in the past year
or so – year and a half
people i trusted – people i thought i could count on
people i needed!
some fell, some stabbed me, some were busy with their own struggles and did not mean to hurt
maybe none of them meant to hurt me
i don’t know
it happened anyway
really, i don’t care
i know – how awful
but you know – i don’t have the energy or time to spare trying to figure out their life and their why’s
i am more than busy with my own
i cannot afford to care
caring costs
and i don’t have it to give
caring hurts
and i cannot survive much more hurt
this is what my heart feels like
i need someone to help me
and i don’t know who else to go to
i have gone to God
but i need some Jesus with skin on
you helped me before when my heart looked like this
in a different way
but still hurting
and damaged
and you bandaged it
and you loved me
and you gave me room to heal
i need that again
i don’t know how you did it
just by being you i guess – by caring for me
by giving of yourself to me
by being real with me – not holding back
not trying to be something or someone
but just being you
with me
not someone you wanted to be
not someone you thought you should be
but just you
now it seems like you are always trying to find the right answer or something
trying not to piss me off
i am pissed off
a lot
about a lot of things
so?
why does that mean you can’t be you?
i KNOW you are sick a lot
and i think i am grasping that better
i know you cannot do much when you are sick
i do – i understand that
but you are not always sick
i have no idea what is going on with you
i feel cuz you won’t share
but maybe you don’t know either
i can’t fix that
i can’t help this time
you are going to have to find your own way
i am lost over here in this patch of woods
and i am going to stay here unless you come and get me
cuz i already tried and i can’t find my way out
so you are there
and i am here
it doesn’t feel like we are in different stadiums anymore
just feels like we are in different woods
maybe on opposite sides of the road
and not on purpose
both lost in our hurt
and confusion
and not knowing
but i would rather be lost together
we would still be lost
~ but we wouldn’t be alone
i’d rather not be alone
i don’t expect you to fix it
if you could and you have not
then that would really make me mad
i just want you to care
wouldn’t being lost together be better than being lost apart?
i think i’ve run out of things to say
i need to go lie down
no electricity last night meant no blow dryer – - not good
i have no idea if this has helped
will help
i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)