still

still an awful window. wow. just reread this stuff.

WE are doing much better. and i am going to use that letter in one of my books. Likely DOWN.

yes, i am writing books. 6 to be exact. at the same time. apparently that is how it works. surprised me and annoyed the melancholy in me. surely you should finish one before starting another? but that is not how it is happening.

I joined NaNoWriMo and i am glad i did. it has put the boot to the butt and i actually feel decent about something i am doing, like i can see a future. that is cool.

This November I am very glad that the last 7 years are over. I hope it is done for good and life will be manageable from here on out for the most part. I know life had bumps and hard times, but 7 years is about two too many for me!

thoughts

this is a terrible window to compose in
yuck!
been thinking - how those with nothing are the first to help. when you call they do not even hesitate. "i will be right there". and those with so much - they find excuses. have something to do. are they just sure you will find someone else?
and i do not want to sound self righteous AT ALL - but if that is how it is, then i don't want a lot. cuz i don't want to be like that. i just don't.
and maybe then when you don't have a lot you figure if the person called you they must really be desperate. lol
which isn't really true - they called you cuz they know you will come, help, and not be ugly about it
but shouldn't anyone who is called do that? really?
i don't know - just some things i am thinking on. . .

lost

Ok. so someone told me i need to do this
and they are right
i do . . .

i am sorry
i am sorry that i am not more for you
i am sorry i was not able to be all you needed when my parents were in the hospital
it was not on purpose
i hope you know that
not that that changes your need
or neglect

but it was never on purpose. . .

i really am sorry

i was not sorry when i was told i needed to do this
i was angry
i was angry cuz i thought you ought to be able to understand
i was angry cuz i did my best
i really did
i KNOW it was not enough
i know it wasn’t!
i really do
i know i wasn’t enough for everyone
i know i did not do enough for everyone
the big huge not going away problem is this –
i gave all i had

i did not skimp
i never have
i did not neglect this one over that one
i made the decision i thought was best for everyone
i really believe if i had to do it over
i would not change a thing
i have thought it over and analyzed it and criticized it and turned it upside down over out and inside backwards
i just do not see what i could have done differently

maybe communicated with you better
but then – you were so sick too
so tho i expected you to do more and be more
truth is – i am not sure you could have either

now. i guess i have to come to the place where i am ok with that
i think i have been thinking that you did not do more because you did not understand
or you did not want to

but maybe you did all you could too
maybe you could not do more cuz you were often sick just at the time i needed you ~


i don’t really know what i have been mad about most
there are so many things
i know that sounds awful
but i mean i think a lot is mucked up all together inside my head

i am mad cuz you were not who i needed you to be

i am mad cuz i feel like you expect more of me than there is

but I shouldn’t be. . .
no – i really shouldn’t be
i had more to give you for so long

i think there might be the same amount of me
but it is all cut up here and there
and the demands are more than there is me

the ongoing challenge is that i don’t see them getting any less anytime soon
in fact, unfortunately, it looks they are going to be more

so i have no idea what to do with all that
i don’t have any answers

but i wanted you to know i really am sorry
i would love to be more for you
and spoil you
and let you feed emotionally off of me
however ~
you would starve.

there is barely enough to keep me going much less nurture anyone else
the kids feel it too
i just don’t have tons to give
there are too many necessary outlets
and not enough stuff

i am sorry that you end up with a short stick
tho really i think everyone is
but in comparison to what you had
i think what you get now must feel like a tsp
as before you were getting barrels full

a tsp is all i have
some days i don’t even have that

and i am sorry

i guess i thought being sorry meant i had to fix it
or feel bad
or something
i don’t know

i really am sorry
but it doesn’t change anything
i can’t change it
i don’t see how it can change
i don’t know what the future holds

i am just hanging on
trying to do what needs done
trying to keep going

i do not have any answers
i do not see a way out of this
i do believe God has a plan

i am tired of waiting

and i am sorry. . . .

this is what i would like to be for you ~

Your dark hair draped across my pillow
Says I finally got it right
And as I watch you dreaming, twisted in the sheets
I can't stop thinking about last night

Well I've waited so long, so long, so long
For someone like you
And as this morning breaks through the window pane
It reveals the truth

Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away

I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine

Your fingertips, a kiss to this tired face
It's like I'm young again
Well I feel beautiful
But most of all vulnerable since you broke in

So won't you take me, take me, take me
Anywhere and everywhere you go
All the warmth you bring to this cold heart
With the slightest touch is enough to know

Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away

I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine

i want to be your sunshine . . . i really do!
but i feel more like a blown out candle

worn,
waxy,
tired. . .

it is not that i don’t want to give
it is that i don’t have it to give

conversely i want/need you to give more to me
and i know that is so wrong
and so selfish

and i could lie and say it is not true
or try to dress it up
but i am not going to

and i am not going to say it is ok either

i am just going to say it is

cuz it is
if you can’t, then i will have to deal with that
but i can’t change my need

part of the anger i think is that i feel like i really gave a lot
the major part of the two of us
in this marriage
and i feel like when it got to where i could not do that anymore
you just walked away
you just turned and went somewhere else
to get what you needed

and that hurt

at first i was sure i wanted you to do more
cuz i was just angry – just mad! cuz i had done so much
and darn it ~ now it is your turn!!

but tonight i realized that is not true
it sounds perfect
it just isn’t true

i really seriously need you to do more and be more
cuz i am less and worn and burnt out and hurting
i am limping with torn limbs
and i am bleeding
and the cuts continue

this may seem dramatic to you
but i am trying to be bare and honest
i feel like i have been so betrayed by so many in the past year
or so – year and a half
people i trusted – people i thought i could count on
people i needed!
some fell, some stabbed me, some were busy with their own struggles and did not mean to hurt
maybe none of them meant to hurt me
i don’t know
it happened anyway
really, i don’t care
i know – how awful
but you know – i don’t have the energy or time to spare trying to figure out their life and their why’s
i am more than busy with my own
i cannot afford to care
caring costs
and i don’t have it to give
caring hurts
and i cannot survive much more hurt

this is what my heart feels like

i need someone to help me
and i don’t know who else to go to

i have gone to God
but i need some Jesus with skin on

you helped me before when my heart looked like this
in a different way
but still hurting
and damaged
and you bandaged it
and you loved me
and you gave me room to heal

i need that again
i don’t know how you did it
just by being you i guess – by caring for me
by giving of yourself to me
by being real with me – not holding back
not trying to be something or someone
but just being you
with me

not someone you wanted to be
not someone you thought you should be
but just you


now it seems like you are always trying to find the right answer or something
trying not to piss me off

i am pissed off
a lot
about a lot of things
so?

why does that mean you can’t be you?

i KNOW you are sick a lot
and i think i am grasping that better
i know you cannot do much when you are sick
i do – i understand that
but you are not always sick

i have no idea what is going on with you
i feel cuz you won’t share
but maybe you don’t know either
i can’t fix that
i can’t help this time
you are going to have to find your own way
i am lost over here in this patch of woods
and i am going to stay here unless you come and get me
cuz i already tried and i can’t find my way out

so you are there
and i am here
it doesn’t feel like we are in different stadiums anymore
just feels like we are in different woods
maybe on opposite sides of the road
and not on purpose
both lost in our hurt
and confusion
and not knowing

but i would rather be lost together

we would still be lost
~ but we wouldn’t be alone
i’d rather not be alone

i don’t expect you to fix it
if you could and you have not
then that would really make me mad
i just want you to care

wouldn’t being lost together be better than being lost apart?

i think i’ve run out of things to say
i need to go lie down
no electricity last night meant no blow dryer – - not good

i have no idea if this has helped
will help
i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore

99 things

99 things
stole this from someone else. . .

Instructions:

Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations), share with friends.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars.. several times. the last one i remember was when we were engaged and we went on a trip with 3 other couples. we had a girls tent and a boys tent – but hubby and i slept under a tree in our sleeping bags so we could be together. :)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower. . . it was so awesome! i sat in a rocker on my front porch all wrapped up. must have been about 2 or 3 years ago i guess. i just kept thinking how awesome and loving God is/was to put up a firmament to protect us like that. it was really just amazing!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. . . i was getting ready to go on a vacation with my kids to ohio – dad would join us by plane in a week. the oddest thing about the amount i gave is that i never missed it. but isn’t God just like that?
7. Been to Disneyland. . . when we got blessed with our van i talked about going to Ohio and hubby said when that van left for vacation it better head south. I had never been to his sisters house. in my life! they lived near orlando, so we combined a week’s vacation with a trip to disneyland. had 7 kids then too. It was good. I rode 3 rides all day I think – Zee was only like 1.5 so not much she could do. Dad took the kids on most of the rides. All had a good time and I felt like a good mom cuz I took my kids to disneyland. Personally it did not seem much different from carowinds to me. . . other than it cost waaaaaaay more! for everything!
8. Climbed a mountain. . . well, i climbed ON a mountain, does that count? i took 7 of my children – ages 15 to 1 hiking. it was one of those perfect days! most of them were too young to go all the way up the mountain, so we took an easier trail that wound around and around. it is one of my bestest memories!
9. Held a praying mantis. . . not saying i would do it now! i used to catch mice and snakes and all that yucky stuff. butcher chickens, etc. would not do a bit of it now! i grew up country. my kids are country. but i don’t touch icky things anymore. i barely touch dirt! roflmbo!
10. Sang a solo. . .i used to sing in church when i was a teen.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm . . . i love to watch them now. i used to be terrified of them.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. . .i love to cross stitch! but my eyes just can’t handle it anymore. maybe if i did it in sunlight outside – it is on my list. i have a half finished something i am doing for my MIL – maybe i will get it done while she is still here. . . maybe!
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. . . i did. it was so so so awesome! i also rode the ferry to ellis island and back. in the night. in the rain. and i HATE water – and boats – and hated dark then too. but our acapella choir sang on the boat and the people were so enthralled and appreciative. it was not a planned concert, we just did it because ~ it was one of those rare incredible moments when time stood still.
another day was the Statue of Liberty day. It was so incredible – we were allowed to go all the way up into the head then. i know later they stopped that and i do not know if you can now. the way to get up to the crown from the elevator is a spiral staircase. in addition to my fear of water and dark (i only had these 3 but somehow they all got triggered on one trip to NYC!) – i have terrible claustrophobia. the people were packed in so you could not move on that staircase. imagine yourself inside this giant head, you could reach out from the staircase and touch the side of the head in some places and all behind you are people as far as you can see and all ahead of you are people as far as you can see (which is not far either way – you know if you’ve ever climbed a spiral staircase) and noone is moving. You talk about yuck! I started getting lightheaded and it occurred to me that this would not be a good place to pass out! so i stopped and stood still until all the people in front of me were far enough ahead so i could not see them anymore, and then it eased up enough for me to continue. It was well worth it. I wish i had had a camera and taken pictures. but you know, they never do justice to it. it was one of the most memorable times in my life. I would LOVE to go back to NYC!
18. Grown your own vegetables. . . i had a little garden when my twins were 1. it was MY time. after supper the kids and daddy would clean up and watch the babies while mom got some alone time outside to putter in her garden and talk to her plants. IT WAS WONDERFUL! and probably kept me sane. I had 6 children 9 and under! I do regret that i did not teach my children to garden – but it is hard to have it all and i really needed that alone time in the dirt with my plants. we had a terrific harvest and the produce tasted just beyond good! only that one year – after that i got too busy, then we got sick. but it was so great to be able to do that!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight. . . more times than i could count i reckon. kids still love them!
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort. . . but not enough of them. tho i grew up in ohio, i did not do near the winter sports i wish i had. i have never been skiing, rarely went sledding, went toboganning one time, and never been on a a snowmobile. perhaps because the cold literally hurts me i guess. i just could not take the cold much. i still don’t miss the cold!!
25. Held a lamb. . . i had my own lamb for almost a year. a story for another time.
26. Gone skinny dipping. . . it was awesome. there were no boys. i would do it again in a minute!
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse. . . i watched a lunar eclipse one time. it does not say what kind so i guess it counts. it was unbelievable! only caught one so far tho.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. . . i watch them as often as i possibly can and never take even ONE for granted! we are never guaranteed another one! and every one is so different – each one totally unique! what an incredible thought!
but my best ones are the ones over the ocean. myrtle beach was my sunrise. we took 6 kids and just went to myrtle beach two weeks before Christmas. because i wanted to. i just wanted to. so we did. on the wy there the older kids grumbled about “going to the beach in the winter . .. grr, grr” I informed them this was MY vacation and they were welcome to stay home! none did.
The hotel was $25/night. CAN YOU IMAGINE! off season! and there was no christmas stuff anywhere. it was SUCH a welcome relief from all the hustle and bustle. We got a room RIGHT by the ocean – as close as you are allowed to get. with a balcony. it was just incredible.
I snuck out the next morning while it was still dark. alone. me. but hubby woke up, found me missing and came to find me. so precious! then he went and found me coffee after giving some money to a drifter who needed it. and we sat snuggling and watched MY sun come up over the atlantic ocean!
yup – another one of those perfect times when heaven touches earth, time stops, and all the world is awash with beauty and rightness, love and realness.
wow.
God did that sunrise that morning JUST FOR ME!
i never knew it happened so fast!

The sunset was incredible too! Very unique! And no, not on the pacific ocean – have not been there yet – but on the gulf. Destin Fla. We went for 16 perfect days! I kept wanting to see a sunset, but everyday something else took precedence. Finally ONE night i was out at sunset – but it was cloudy! God gave me a SPECTACULAR sunset anyway! I have pictures of it that will blow you away. They are award winning pics, just unbelievable how beautiful with the sun just streaming brightly through the clouds and reflecting off the never still water. ripples and light and movement. just wow!
oh, i also had another sunset on another vacation to ohio – on lake erie
complete with a sailboat – just like you see in the movies! lol. the saddest part about that one is that my husband was not there to see it with me.
sometimes life is so beautiful it hurts!
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. .. twice. once as a kid. mostly i was scared. of everything. again on our honeymoon tho just in passing really. i don’t think i would make the trip just for that again but i do think everyone should go see it. it is truly magnificent.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community. .. i grew up in Ohio so Amish were nothing unusual for us. I loved it when we got caught behind a buggy and i could hear the clop clop clop of the hooves through the open windows. so beautiful! got to ride in a buggy on our vacation in Ohio. the kids just loved it!
36. Taught yourself a new language . . . the kids and i have tried to learn spanish. some of us have been more successful than others.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. . . i have. what does it really take? i just want to be able to pay my bills and not worry. buy groceries and things we need. i would love to be rich so i could give it away – but if you give it away, how will you ever be rich? so i guess that is not going to happen!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. . . on our trip to destin. i wish i had spent more time on the beach really. the kids kept me pretty busy. we had a pool out back and they stayed in it night and day and i kept the two year old. hubby went up on the third floor balcony with a franklin graham book and a bible and a notepad with pen. He NEVER gets to have time like that to himself with God, so i kept the baby and let the rest of the family have a very special vacation. I do not regret a minute of it. oh – i got time for me too. here and there. hot tub time at night was MY time. no babies! the older kids took turns with him. and i went out to waffle house with my dad. hubby and i went out a few times too. so we all worked together to make it a special time for everyone. so i did not do all i wanted, but we all remember a perfect vacation and that is even better than it just being perfect for me.
i am sure there will be other times for me to walk on a beach, but that was our last vacation with the whole family together. my son moved out the next year and now one daughter is out with another soon to follow ~ so i am so glad we took that vacation together and the kids had all the pool time they could stand and we all played on the beach, and we all laughed and we all shared the load and it stands out as a perfect vacation we will never forget!
46. Been transported in an ambulance. . . i was going to skip that. I was not transported in the back, but i was transported in the ambulance. My hubby was in the back in full grand mal seizure. with a stupid paramedic saying “just relax”. like you can do that in the middle of a seizure??? they could not even get an IV into him. oy!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain. . . no special story, but i know we have.
53. Played in the mud. . . one of my favorite past times as a youngster! nothing feels quite like it! NOT the southern clay yucky orange stuff either! this was REAL MUD! black gooey dark ooie ohio mud! spring planting was always magical! spring rains w/o thunder were always a treat!
54. Gone to a drive-in theater . . . many memories of that. did yours have a playground in front of the screen for before the movie started? so many good memories! kids are missing out!!!
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business . . . hubby and i had a business when the twins were 2. hmmm. . . might be why i never gardened again! seriously! way too much work for way too little income BUT ask my son how he remembers it and he will tell you it shaped who he is today. he got to spend all day everyday working with his dad and there is NO substitute for turning a boy into a man like time with a quality Dad! sometimes we measure what we get out of something with the wrong ruler! we may not have gotten rich, or even broke even, but you cannot measure my son’s memories of that very special time with his dad and all the lessons he learned and the character that was built and the relationship that was cemented by that time with his dad. i would gladly do it again in a heartbeat!
58. Taken a martial arts class. . . i actually took karate when i was very young. maybe 3 lessons. lol. i do not remember learning a thing except discipline. it was totally boring. but i have found every lesson on every thing i have ever taken boring. just let me do it!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason. . . just a few months ago my daughter brought me a beautiful rose in a gorgeous glass vase. baby’s breath with it and a stunning silver bow around the vase. she sprayed the flower with glitter spray and when i sniffed it – i glittered too! it was soooo pretty and i felt sooo special!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check . . . oh good grief! and it was not always our fault! i just don’t even use banks anymore. when i found out they have conventions where they share new ways to get more out of their “customers” – spelled v-i-c-t-i-m-s. that was enough for me. whatever happened to the community bank where service was the goal? now it is pleasing shareholders. don’t get me started. . . lol
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. . . i kept my pink bear until after i got married. it got fleas so bad i finally tossed it. i regret it. if you manage to keep one - keep it!
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt . . . several with my mom lately. i started one the year my niece got married – for her. maybe she will get it by the time her kids are grown! her mom says she will still need one then!
73. Stood in Times Square. . . sure did. wish i could do it again! NYC is just so much, so much to take in even just standing there doing nothing! it has to take several trips to ever have your fill – or maybe you never do. . .
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job. . . not until last year. at age 45! amazing. the world has sure gotten weird! don’t get me started!
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone . . . my kids have broken my nose twice by jumping up suddenly. broke my big toe by something falling out of the fridge in the middle of the night when i was getting a bottle. children are dangerous!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle . . . wish i had done that more! one long ride. perfect day!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car . . . after the birth of our first. bought it with a dent in it. my motto is you can either buy it with one – or put one in it yourself. so far it has held totally true! we got a good chunk knocked off the price for it tho!
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. . . i was in a play both times.
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating . . . i used to help butcher chickens and watch my dad skin rabbits. never thought a thing about it, it was just the way it was. now i would never even watch from afar. isn’t life funny?
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby. . . eight to be exact.
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – oddly enough every time i remember being stung, i annoyed the bee! one time i sat on one, another time it landed on my finger but i did not know it was a bee. thought it was just something and went to brush it off. kind of irritated the bee!

i don't get it

You know what i don't get?
i don't get how you can say you love someone
and then treat someone they care about like crap
i don't get that

when you love someone it is supposed to be about them
not about you
love is NOT a feeling!
love is an action
a choice

it is not about what you get
or how they make you feel
it is a choice to care for someone else

how can people even say they "fall" in love
is that like falling in a lake?

and no - you cannot make someone happy
nor can someone else make you happy
happiness is a choice
you can do anything you want
but if a person does not choose to be happy
they are not going to be
and it doesn't matter how much chocolate you bring them!

some people are messed up!

from 2001

The Lesson of the Playpen

In our house, chores begin at 4. I'm not exactly sure why they got stuck at
that age, but that is how it is. Some children have moved into this routine
better than others - all of them have gone through a week or two of mild shock
at this crazy idea!

One child in particular thought it was about the stupidest idea she had ever
heard of and promptly decided she would simply not participate. I had already
decided she would. (I've been told God sends these children to "sanctify" us.)

One particularly trying day - we were cleaning our living room and this child,
as usual, was giving me great amounts of grief. Standard procedure is to have
them sit until they are ready to work - well, while she was sitting she would
play with our baby twins who were walking by this time. In order to keep them
from her so that the sitting would actually result in discipline and not just be
a time to get out of work and play with the babies - I decided to set her chair
squarely in the midst of the playpen. That took the fun out of it since the
boys could not reach her -she was facing the wall and they could not see each
other and so the babies quickly lost interest.

As she sat in the playpen pouting (I can still see this in my mind) and I swept
the living room (which SHE was supposed to be doing) - God said to me, "You are
just like that."

"What?" I said.

In the first place, the midst of the chaos of herding 6 children under 9 to do
chores is scarcely the place for deep talks with God. I was really taken aback.

But there it was again, over the noise of the vacuum and the babies running to
and fro - "You are just like her."

Ok - ever the curious one, I'll bite. "In what way God?"

He answered something to this effect, I remember impressions rather than actual
words. "You have purposed that your living room will get clean today. You
invited and even asked - demanded that she participate. But she will not.

Does that affect your plans?"

"Well, no - my living room will get clean."

"Exactly. And she can either participate and everyone can enjoy the day better
- or she can sit in the playpen. But YOU are going to accomplish what you set
out to do."

A great light dawned and I wondered how many days I had wasted sitting in the
playpen.

God WILL accomplish His purpose - with or without us. I have heard it put this
way - there are probably several ways for you to get from your house to the
nearest grocery. Some may be longer - but any will work and you will end up at
the same destination. God has any number of ways of accomplishing His purposes
- but be assured, He WILL accomplish what He sets out to do. Regardless of who
does or does not cooperate. This to me is quite a good thing as I stated
earlier.

In sending Christ it was NEVER God's intent that Israel be left out. They chose
that - and it broke His heart. He still has a plan for them. But noone - no
high priest, no soldier, no king - could thwart His plan for His Son. We humans
think we are so powerful - but we really are not. The only thing we have any
power over really is our attitude! Circumstances change, literally, in a
heartbeat.

Another great thought from Job is that NOTHING happens to us unless God allows
it. No - we aren't in control. But someone is! That is AWFULLY good news! I
would hate it if noone was in control - truly I would hate it if I were also. I
screw up too much!

These are just some thoughts and experiences I have had on my continuing journey
into knowing Him. I hope you have enjoyed the story and I hope it has helped
you think on this subject.

I hope to address the love issue in a later post.