and they are right
i do . . .
i am sorry
i am sorry that i am not more for you
i am sorry i was not able to be all you needed when my parents were in the hospital
it was not on purpose
i hope you know that
not that that changes your need
or neglect
but it was never on purpose. . .
i really am sorry
i was not sorry when i was told i needed to do this
i was angry
i was angry cuz i thought you ought to be able to understand
i was angry cuz i did my best
i really did
i KNOW it was not enough
i know it wasn’t!
i really do
i know i wasn’t enough for everyone
i know i did not do enough for everyone
the big huge not going away problem is this –
i gave all i had
i did not skimp
i never have
i did not neglect this one over that one
i made the decision i thought was best for everyone
i really believe if i had to do it over
i would not change a thing
i have thought it over and analyzed it and criticized it and turned it upside down over out and inside backwards
i just do not see what i could have done differently
maybe communicated with you better
but then – you were so sick too
so tho i expected you to do more and be more
truth is – i am not sure you could have either
now. i guess i have to come to the place where i am ok with that
i think i have been thinking that you did not do more because you did not understand
or you did not want to
but maybe you did all you could too
maybe you could not do more cuz you were often sick just at the time i needed you ~
i don’t really know what i have been mad about most
there are so many things
i know that sounds awful
but i mean i think a lot is mucked up all together inside my head
i am mad cuz you were not who i needed you to be
i am mad cuz i feel like you expect more of me than there is
but I shouldn’t be. . .
no – i really shouldn’t be
i had more to give you for so long
i think there might be the same amount of me
but it is all cut up here and there
and the demands are more than there is me
the ongoing challenge is that i don’t see them getting any less anytime soon
in fact, unfortunately, it looks they are going to be more
so i have no idea what to do with all that
i don’t have any answers
but i wanted you to know i really am sorry
i would love to be more for you
and spoil you
and let you feed emotionally off of me
however ~
you would starve.
there is barely enough to keep me going much less nurture anyone else
the kids feel it too
i just don’t have tons to give
there are too many necessary outlets
and not enough stuff
i am sorry that you end up with a short stick
tho really i think everyone is
but in comparison to what you had
i think what you get now must feel like a tsp
as before you were getting barrels full
a tsp is all i have
some days i don’t even have that
and i am sorry
i guess i thought being sorry meant i had to fix it
or feel bad
or something
i don’t know
i really am sorry
but it doesn’t change anything
i can’t change it
i don’t see how it can change
i don’t know what the future holds
i am just hanging on
trying to do what needs done
trying to keep going
i do not have any answers
i do not see a way out of this
i do believe God has a plan
i am tired of waiting
and i am sorry. . . .
this is what i would like to be for you ~
Your dark hair draped across my pillow
Says I finally got it right
And as I watch you dreaming, twisted in the sheets
I can't stop thinking about last night
Well I've waited so long, so long, so long
For someone like you
And as this morning breaks through the window pane
It reveals the truth
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
Your fingertips, a kiss to this tired face
It's like I'm young again
Well I feel beautiful
But most of all vulnerable since you broke in
So won't you take me, take me, take me
Anywhere and everywhere you go
All the warmth you bring to this cold heart
With the slightest touch is enough to know
Baby, you're my sunshine, first light
Find your way to places that only know lies
Failed tries and bruised skies
With hardly time to hold on or be strong, now I'm strong
'Cos like the dawn you push it all away
I tell ya, you're my sunshine
Everybody needs a little sunshine
i want to be your sunshine . . . i really do!
but i feel more like a blown out candle
worn,
waxy,
tired. . .
it is not that i don’t want to give
it is that i don’t have it to give
conversely i want/need you to give more to me
and i know that is so wrong
and so selfish
and i could lie and say it is not true
or try to dress it up
but i am not going to
and i am not going to say it is ok either
i am just going to say it is
cuz it is
if you can’t, then i will have to deal with that
but i can’t change my need
part of the anger i think is that i feel like i really gave a lot
the major part of the two of us
in this marriage
and i feel like when it got to where i could not do that anymore
you just walked away
you just turned and went somewhere else
to get what you needed
and that hurt
at first i was sure i wanted you to do more
cuz i was just angry – just mad! cuz i had done so much
and darn it ~ now it is your turn!!
but tonight i realized that is not true
it sounds perfect
it just isn’t true
i really seriously need you to do more and be more
cuz i am less and worn and burnt out and hurting
i am limping with torn limbs
and i am bleeding
and the cuts continue
this may seem dramatic to you
but i am trying to be bare and honest
i feel like i have been so betrayed by so many in the past year
or so – year and a half
people i trusted – people i thought i could count on
people i needed!
some fell, some stabbed me, some were busy with their own struggles and did not mean to hurt
maybe none of them meant to hurt me
i don’t know
it happened anyway
really, i don’t care
i know – how awful
but you know – i don’t have the energy or time to spare trying to figure out their life and their why’s
i am more than busy with my own
i cannot afford to care
caring costs
and i don’t have it to give
caring hurts
and i cannot survive much more hurt
this is what my heart feels like
i need someone to help me
and i don’t know who else to go to
i have gone to God
but i need some Jesus with skin on
you helped me before when my heart looked like this
in a different way
but still hurting
and damaged
and you bandaged it
and you loved me
and you gave me room to heal
i need that again
i don’t know how you did it
just by being you i guess – by caring for me
by giving of yourself to me
by being real with me – not holding back
not trying to be something or someone
but just being you
with me
not someone you wanted to be
not someone you thought you should be
but just you
now it seems like you are always trying to find the right answer or something
trying not to piss me off
i am pissed off
a lot
about a lot of things
so?
why does that mean you can’t be you?
i KNOW you are sick a lot
and i think i am grasping that better
i know you cannot do much when you are sick
i do – i understand that
but you are not always sick
i have no idea what is going on with you
i feel cuz you won’t share
but maybe you don’t know either
i can’t fix that
i can’t help this time
you are going to have to find your own way
i am lost over here in this patch of woods
and i am going to stay here unless you come and get me
cuz i already tried and i can’t find my way out
so you are there
and i am here
it doesn’t feel like we are in different stadiums anymore
just feels like we are in different woods
maybe on opposite sides of the road
and not on purpose
both lost in our hurt
and confusion
and not knowing
but i would rather be lost together
we would still be lost
~ but we wouldn’t be alone
i’d rather not be alone
i don’t expect you to fix it
if you could and you have not
then that would really make me mad
i just want you to care
wouldn’t being lost together be better than being lost apart?
i think i’ve run out of things to say
i need to go lie down
no electricity last night meant no blow dryer – - not good
i have no idea if this has helped
will help
i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore
