so
my 14 year old daughter lays on the carpet in my
room. her tiny feet sticking up in the air - her miniscule feet - and
she is in the midst of an existential crisis! her head is behind the
trash can, so i can't
see it, and out of nowhere she begins with: "Mom, it occurs to me. . . i
haven't had a lot of bad things happen. I
haven't been in a flood, we haven't lost our house, or lots of really
bad things. So. . . that means it is all to come right? My best years
are behind me. Can i just go at 16?"
so what do you say to that one? esp when she is right and you know it?
i
told her her best years were still ahead of her too. she asked how i
could be sure. i told her i was sure. that life had lots of good
things in store for her because from when i was 14, lots of good things
have happened to me. and i assured her i would do my life all over
again if i had to - even the hard parts, because the good parts make up
for it.
She was skeptical.
the
truth is she has actually been through a lot. but obviously it hasn't
scarred her. not because it wasn't hard - it was/is. but i guess
because she was not left alone and she was given the tools to handle
it. Her whole family has lyme disease (and other co-infections), she
struggles with symptoms on a daily basis. She lost both of her
grandfathers in a 6 month period - one while she was helping to care for
him. she was the last person to see him alive.
she
lost her niece when Areille was only 67 days old. That one changed her
forever. She told me how it changed her perception of herself. That
when she sees herself in the mirror (after) she sees herself
differently. Before she was a child, now she sees herself as taller and
not a little girl. Her looks didn't change and she didn't magically
grow.
She lost her innocence.
Babies aren't supposed to die in the real life we all think we live in.
Zee
handles all of this with such grace and joy. It breaks my heart
often. many things break my heart. But i can't just sit broken. My
kids deserve better than that. so i pick myself up when i am able, dust
myself off, and just keep going. My kids are my inspiration and my
reason for continuing to fight. My kids are the reason i am learning
about rife machines, cancer, and quantum entanglement. My kids are also
the ones who pick up the slack during the times i am not able to pick
myself up. They take care of my kids, they clean the house, they cook,
they do the grocery shopping, they run their siblings to work and pick
them up. They hug each other and support each other and listen to each
other. They let me cry on their shoulders when i am sure it is supposed
to go the other way round. They lift me and they love me. All while
handling their own lives and their own families.
I really think i have the most amazing kids in the universe!
